Don't Be a Dick, and Other Sound Advice for Traveling

I haven't stepped foot in the Southern United States in over a year. Mostly because it is expensive, and also because I have a grown up job, but not so grown up that they give me tons of vacation time. But really, it is expensive. It's cheaper to fly to New York from Sacramento than it is to Birmingham. It's a conspiracy! 

But here I am, enjoying a delightful 3 hour layover in Phoenix surrounded by travelers. My pursuits are simple. I'm traveling to BHM to reclaim my Pomeranian, and to eat, drink, and be merry. Especially if the eating part involves fried foods (and if any of my pals in Sacramento know of an good cardiologist, I'll need their number when I get back).

My flight to Arizona was turbulent. I was basically having a "well, this is it!" conversation with Jesus. It gave me an opportunity to also reflect on traveling. Specifically, how to not be a dick when traveling. Because if we get caught in a storm and start to spiral downward, I'm gonna be pissed that my last moments on earth were spent next to someone doing things like: 

  • Shamelessly hogging the armrest and 40% off my buttspace. I paid good money for that buttspace, sir. 
  • Falling asleep in such a way that my shoulder becomes your pillow. I know I'm comfortable and have a winning smile, but there are limits. 
  • Eating a banana and drinking tomato juice. Y'all. This is basically the worst smell in the universe. Almost as bad as:
  • Silent but deadly farts. For real, guy. We know it was you. Thanks for adding that scent to our circulating air for the next two hours.
  • Telling the stewardess that she is "a beautiful creature, and if only if I were 30 years younger..." ... You'd what?

Anyway, those are some ground rules I'm laying down there for when times are (literally) rough and I'm absolutely sure that we're about to be rattled to death by turbulence. I'm pretty sure this is just me being under caffeinated. Be nice to your fellow passengers. They might have gum. 

And now, excuse me while I brush up on my southern twang.